Transcript:David Gets Hard
URL ** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRyWSo2Uk-Q .SBV Transcript 0:00:06.000,0:00:09.000 ♪ ♪ 0:00:09.000,0:00:16.900 David: T-G-I-F, kiddos! Boy has it been a week! Monday we went base jumping for Ered's Extreme Sports Camp. Tuesday we froze Harrison alive for Magic Camp. 0:00:18.600,0:00:19.800 Nerris: I can fix that... 0:00:19.800,0:00:22.800 David: Wednesday was a double-whammy for Arts and Performance! 0:00:22.800,0:00:25.300 Dolph: *sinister tone* Do not move a muscle. 0:00:25.700,0:00:30.400 David: And all of these hilarious props and gags are courtesy of Thursday's Visual Comedy Camp! 0:00:30.400,0:00:31.400 *toy horn honk* 0:00:31.400,0:00:33.900 Max: Thursday's over, Scotty. Go back to your tent. 0:00:33.900,0:00:34.900 *sad toy horn honk* 0:00:34.900,0:00:38.900 David: So, Gwen, which camper are we focusing on to wrap up the week? 0:00:39.000,0:00:42.100 Gwen: Uh... 0:00:42.500,0:00:44.600 David: Come on, co-counselor. Who's it gonna be? 0:00:44.600,0:00:46.300 Gwen: It's... Nurf. 0:00:46.300,0:00:48.100 *dramatic sting* 0:00:50.200,0:00:51.800 Space Kid: Breach! 0:00:51.900,0:00:54.300 David: Oh dear. Nurf's... camp? 0:00:54.300,0:00:56.400 Neil: What camp did Nurf sign up for? 0:00:56.400,0:01:02.700 Gwen: Nurf... didn't sign up for a camp... His parents signed him up... for behavioral correction camp. 0:01:02.800,0:01:04.300 David: *quivering* Boot Camp. 0:01:04.500,0:01:09.400 Nurf: FUCK YEAH! Scare me straight! In all seriousness though, if I don't see definitive results, I'm contacting my parents. 0:01:09.400,0:01:10.200 David: I don't— 0:01:10.200,0:01:11.200 Nurf: AND DON'T BE A FUCKING FA— 0:01:11.200,0:01:17.100 *bleep* 0:01:17.600,0:01:19.600 Nurf: —or I'll tell them you touched me! 0:01:21.100,0:01:22.200 *toy horn honk* 0:01:22.300,0:02:01.900 [ Camp Camp Song Song ] 0:02:07.600,0:02:10.100 Gwen: Right. We knew this day would come. 0:02:10.100,0:02:14.400 David: I don't know if I can do this, Gwen! Camp is supposed to be about learning... and having fun! 0:02:14.400,0:02:23.500 Gwen: Well we're gonna learn that little shit some MANNERS, David! Because we are contractually obligated to! I am NOT... moving back in with my parents. 0:02:23.500,0:02:26.100 David: *whining* But I'm not tough enough to run a boot camp! 0:02:26.100,0:02:29.000 *screeching* 0:02:30.600,0:02:31.500 Max: Thank you. 0:02:31.500,0:02:32.300 Quartermaster: Mhmm. 0:02:32.800,0:02:37.100 Max: YOU may not be tough enough to run a boot camp, David, but I can teach you. 0:02:37.100,0:02:38.200 David: Teach me? 0:02:38.200,0:02:50.000 Max: Oh yeah. Teach you how to be mean — how to be HARD! How to keep kids like Nurf out there from walking all over you! After all, there's only one camper at Camp Campbell worse than him, and it's me. 0:02:50.000,0:02:51.100 Gwen: What do you want? 0:02:51.100,0:02:54.600 Max: Double dessert, no activities for a week, and David's social security number. 0:02:54.600,0:02:54.900 Gwen: Done. 0:02:54.900,0:02:55.600 David: Gwen! 0:02:55.600,0:02:56.300 Gwen: SHUT UP, DAVID. 0:02:56.300,0:02:57.000 David: Okay. 0:02:57.000,0:03:00.800 Max: No! You can't just back down the moment someone gets in your face, idiot! 0:03:00.800,0:03:08.400 Gwen: Yeah! Ya gotta stand up for yourself! I can't do this alone, which means you've got to pull yourself together! 0:03:09.100,0:03:14.000 David: Gosh darnit, you're right, Gwen. Today's the day I get hard! 0:03:14.000,0:03:16.300 Gwen: ...Okay maybe we don't phrase it like that. 0:03:16.300,0:03:25.900 David: Oh no! Rule 1: No backing down! Look out, world! I'm hard and I'm coming! Whether he likes it or not, Nurf is gonna let me in! 0:03:26.200,0:03:26.800 *badass kick* 0:03:26.800,0:03:27.800 David: Owie. 0:03:30.100,0:03:32.700 Max: ...So does he want to help Nurf or fuck him? 0:03:32.700,0:03:35.100 *military drumline* 0:03:35.500,0:03:43.000 David: Alrighty, Nurf. It's high time we whipped you into shape! Uh... sonny! Now I am confiscating that pocket knife! 0:03:46.700,0:03:49.100 David: *sad, yet hilarious, crying and whimpering* 0:03:49.100,0:03:50.500 Max: You're pathetic. 0:03:50.500,0:03:52.200 Gwen: And getting blood on my boots. 0:03:53.700,0:04:02.000 David: Guys, I just don't know if this whole "tough guy" technique is going to work. What if we just... I don't know... give him a hug? Those always make me feel better! 0:04:02.000,0:04:09.500 Max: NO HUGS! You've just got to change your perspective on life. Tell me, how do you feel about you co-counselor Gwen? 0:04:09.500,0:04:13.400 David: *sniffles* Well... She's smart, she helps me run activities... 0:04:13.400,0:04:20.700 Max: No, no! You're being positive again! Gwen's the fucking worst! She slacks off, reads garbage, and has no idea what she's doing with her life! 0:04:20.700,0:04:21.900 Gwen: *seething* What. 0:04:21.900,0:04:26.100 Max: There's no time-traveling doctor coming to save you, Gwen! Get your shit together! 0:04:26.100,0:04:31.700 Gwen: *crying* I just want to have his British babies! *weeping intensifies* 0:04:32.900,0:04:35.400 Max: Now, it's your turn. 0:04:35.400,0:04:38.000 *dramatic sting* 0:04:40.600,0:04:42.400 *kitty squealing* 0:04:42.900,0:04:46.000 David: Nurf! I've got a bone to pick with you! 0:04:46.000,0:04:47.300 Max: Let him have it. 0:04:47.300,0:04:55.300 David: Now this may sound harsh, but gosh darnit, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE VERY NICE! In fact, I'd go as far to say, YOU'RE MEAN! 0:04:55.300,0:04:57.500 Max: ...Okay let's dig a little deeper there, idiot. 0:04:57.500,0:04:59.800 David: Right! I know that's probably hard to hear! 0:04:59.800,0:05:00.400 Max: No... 0:05:00.400,0:05:02.400 David: And may have even been a little too far! 0:05:02.400,0:05:03.200 Max: Not at all... 0:05:03.200,0:05:06.600 David: But by golly, it seems to me you've never been very polite to anyone! 0:05:06.600,0:05:07.700 Max: *muttering* God damnit. 0:05:07.700,0:05:15.200 David: I just don't think you're aware of the impact your behavior is having on other campers! But... you know... if you ARE aware of that, then that is some good self-awareness! 0:05:15.200,0:05:17.500 Max: Okay now you're just complimenting him. 0:05:17.500,0:05:23.800 Nurf: So, the tough love approach, huh? You know, my uncle believed in tough love. Turns out child protective services didn't, though. 0:05:24.000,0:05:25.300 David: ...Excuse me? 0:05:25.300,0:05:32.700 Nurf: Assuming I've always been bad is pretty narrow-minded of you, David. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm just a product of a judgmental, overprotective society? 0:05:32.700,0:05:33.300 David: Uh... 0:05:33.300,0:06:02.100 Nurf: I mean you chew ONE pop tart into the shape of a gun... and BAM! In-school suspension! Suddenly you're labeled a problem child. "You're not like the other kids. You're bad." So then you get sent to a place where other kids perpetuate the same negative mentality, making you worse, so that by the time you return to normal school life, you actually are bad. Thus continuing the endless cycle of crime and punishment. Until all that's left is a little boy. A little boy who only believes he can be what the world tells him he is. A loser. A lost cause. A bully. 0:06:03.700,0:06:06.400 David: Nurf... I am so sorry. 0:06:06.900,0:06:08.800 Nurf: Whatever, dick-turd! 0:06:09.000,0:06:10.800 David: *squealing and sobbing* 0:06:10.800,0:06:13.600 Matt: Man he is... way more fucked up than I thought. 0:06:13.600,0:06:21.100 Gwen: You two are idiots. Being tough isn't the same as being an asshole. You guys gotta take this from a more psychological approach. 0:06:21.100,0:06:22.200 Max: How would you know? 0:06:22.200,0:06:25.700 Gwen: As a matter of fact, I dual-majored in psychology. 0:06:25.700,0:06:28.100 Max: So you have TWO useless degrees? 0:06:28.300,0:06:29.400 Gwen: ...Yeah. 0:06:29.400,0:06:32.000 David: *sobbing* What are you suggesting? 0:06:32.200,0:06:33.300 Gwen: Well... 0:06:36.000,0:06:38.800 Neil: You sure you don't want to get in on this whole Nurf-centric adventure today? 0:06:38.800,0:06:41.800 Nikki: Yeah, I'm good. We'll probably do something crazy next week. 0:06:41.800,0:06:50.700 Nurf: *sarcastic* Oops! Didn't see ya there! Just kidding, I was fully aware of the situation. I'm just acting out for attention. That being said, I do think I need corrective lenses. My mom just won't take me. 0:06:50.700,0:06:55.900 David: Nurf! I think it's time we all had a little talk. 0:06:55.900,0:07:01.600 Nurf: Oh so we're doing the whole freudian thing now? Everyone wants to fuck their own mom. Get over it. 0:07:01.600,0:07:02.700 David: *whimpering* 0:07:02.700,0:07:04.100 Gwen: *whisper* Be strong. 0:07:05.100,0:07:25.600 David: Nurf, we feel as though you have a relatively strong grasp on the events that have led to your negative behavior, and we wanted to walk through them with you together, in the hopes of finding a solution. This isn't going to be easy, but we think— PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. But we think that this is the only way we're going to get to the root of your issues. So, Nurf, what do ya say? 0:07:26.800,0:07:30.400 Nurf: Well... I think it all started when I joined the ballet... 0:07:30.400,0:07:56.500 *orchestra playing warm, ambling melody* 0:07:56.500,0:08:09.100 Nurf: So really all these behavioral problems seem to be stemming from a vast variety of issues, but what's truly important is that I don't allow society's labels to define who I am. That choice belongs to me and me alone, and I think I finally understand that. 0:08:09.200,0:08:13.300 David: *crying* I think so too, Nurf. So, what are you gonna do now? 0:08:13.300,0:08:15.700 *heartwarming, swelling music, which suddenly stops* 0:08:15.700,0:08:17.200 Nurf: STAB MY DAD! 0:08:17.200,0:08:18.900 David: NO! What?! Why!? 0:08:18.900,0:08:24.600 Nurf: I don't know, to break the cycle! What do you expect, I'm just a kid! Eat my farts, butt-nut! Hyah! 0:08:28.400,0:08:30.000 *kids screaming* 0:08:30.000,0:08:31.600 Gwen: Jesus! What do we do! 0:08:31.600,0:08:33.200 Max: And where does he keep getting knives! 0:08:33.200,0:08:38.400 David: Gosh darnit! We are going to do things MY way! With aggressive pacifism! 0:08:39.300,0:08:40.800 Gwen: I'll get the bandages. 0:08:41.600,0:08:43.700 Nerris: Y-y-you shall not pass! 0:08:43.700,0:08:45.600 Nurf: Heh-heh. Heh. Heh! *snort* 0:08:45.600,0:08:46.800 David: Wait, Nurf! Stop! 0:08:46.800,0:08:51.000 Nurf: No! I'm done talking! My emotions can only be expressed through sadistic tendencies! 0:08:51.000,0:08:58.000 David: I don't want to talk! Or shout, or any of that! I just want to give you a hug! Come here, little guy! 0:09:00.800,0:09:02.200 *simultaneous gasps* 0:09:04.400,0:09:08.200 David: Oh my gosh! Nurf! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? 0:09:08.400,0:09:16.500 Nurf: Woah... That... really hurt... Jeez, I can't believe I've been subjecting people to physical violence like this. I feel kind of bad about my behavior. 0:09:16.700,0:09:17.500 David: ...What? 0:09:17.500,0:09:23.000 Nurf: Yeah, I think I'm gonna go sit down in my tent and... think about what I did today. Sorry, everybody. 0:09:24.800,0:09:30.300 Gwen: Huh. I guess you... did it, David. Good job. 0:09:30.300,0:09:31.400 David: But I didn't — 0:09:31.400,0:09:34.000 Nurf: Hey, David. Thanks for everything. 0:09:34.000,0:09:37.800 David: No... WAIT! We need to talk about this! This is not okay! 0:09:37.800,0:09:42.900 Nurf: Nah, man, I'm good. I'm gonna tell everyone about how you helped me today. Goodbye, friends! 0:09:45.100,0:09:50.400 Max: Well. I guess it turns out at the end of the day... sometimes you just gotta hit kids! Category:Transcripts